Letter # 3

 "Official Voter Guidance: New Procedures for Your Protection

Issued by the Department of Electoral Convenience

"Safeguarding democracy from the dangerous possibility that too many people may participate in it."

Dear Voter,

Congratulations. You have expressed an interest in voting.

We applaud your civic spirit and are pleased to confirm that your vote remains important to us, provided, naturally, that you can satisfy a few straightforward requirements designed to preserve confidence, order, efficiency, and the general comfort of people who are not you.

Please read the following instructions carefully. Failure to comply with any portion may result in your vote being protected from being counted.

Registration

Before voting, please confirm that you are registered.

Then confirm that you are registered to confirm that you are registered.

Please ensure that your name, address, date of birth, hair color, childhood nickname, and current level of patriotism match precisely across every document you have ever encountered.

If you have married, divorced, moved, changed your name, misplaced a utility bill, or been born under a slightly different name than the one on your government identification, we encourage you to begin resolving these matters immediately. Preferably several years ago.

Identification

For your convenience, please bring a current photo identification card, proof of residence, proof that you are the same person depicted in the photograph, and a notarized statement from a responsible adult confirming that you have shown good character for at least the preceding decade.

Documents that have expired, been folded, gotten wet, or failed to inspire complete confidence may be rejected in the interest of election integrity.

Please remember: requiring you to demonstrate your identity repeatedly is not intended to inconvenience you. It is intended to reassure you that we take your identity very seriously.

Voting by Mail

If you vote by mail, please request your ballot well in advance, ideally before you are aware that an election is taking place.

Upon receiving it, complete the ballot immediately, using only the approved shade of black or blue ink, maintaining a calm hand and an attitude of appropriate gratitude.

Do not fold, crease, smudge, staple, clip, tape, decorate, breathe upon, or look at the ballot in a way that could compromise its integrity.

Return it before the deadline, while also allowing sufficient time for weather, traffic, postal delays, unexpected acts of nature, changing rules, and the possibility that the deadline may be interpreted differently by several people with legal authority.

For added confidence, voters are encouraged to hand-deliver their ballot to an officially approved, properly supervised, adequately illuminated drop box during a brief period of time that will be announced after it has ended.

Voting in Person

In-person voting remains available to all eligible citizens with sufficient determination, mobility, paperwork, free time, transportation, child care, work flexibility, physical stamina, and access to weather-appropriate clothing.

Please arrive early, but not too early. Bring water, snacks, medication, sunscreen, a hat, a portable chair, a fully charged phone, and an unshakable belief in representative government.

Should you encounter a long line, please regard it not as an obstacle but as a valuable opportunity to reflect upon the sacred privilege of waiting. Your employer may not understand why you need several hours to participate in democracy. We encourage you to explain that your vote is a cherished right, and that you are only asking to use it.

Election-Day Conduct

To ensure a peaceful and orderly process, voters are asked to remain patient, courteous, and quietly grateful throughout all procedures.

Please do not ask why the rules change so often. 

Please do not ask why a task that once took ten minutes now requires three forms, two websites, and a witness with a functioning printer.

Questions are welcome, provided they have already been answered somewhere difficult to locate.

Final Reminder

Your vote is precious.

That is why we have worked so hard to make sure you understand how much effort it should require.

Thank you for doing your part to protect democracy by proving, beyond all reasonable doubt, that you deserve to take part in it.

PS This document is satire. For real registration, identification, mail-ballot, early-voting, polling-place, and deadline information, consult your state or local election office, or begin at Vote.gov. Actual rules vary by state; official federal resources direct voters to state and local offices for those details."