Letter # 2

 "DEPARTMENT OF INHUMAN SERVICES"

A satirical letter

A note before you read: 

This is satire. It is not aimed at the overworked employees who often try their best to help people. It is aimed at the bureaucratic and political systems that make it so hard for people in need to receive basic help.

DEPARTMENT OF INHUMAN SERVICES

Office of Administrative Empathy and Compassion

Dear Valued Applicant,

Thank you for informing us that you are hungry, ill, elderly, disabled, unemployed, unhoused, grieving, overwhelmed, or otherwise experiencing a temporary difficulty lasting longer than we find convenient.

We are pleased to tell you that help may be available, provided that you can document your need in triplicate; locate a working printer; produce a permanent address; remain on hold during normal business hours; remember every password created since 2014; and demonstrate, to our satisfaction, that you are too desperate to survive without assistance but still organized enough to navigate our website.

Please note that our representatives are deeply committed to serving you, although they are currently unavailable due to unusually high call volume. This call volume consists largely of people attempting to reach us after being told, by another department, that we are the department responsible for helping them.

If you are unable to complete the required online application because you lack internet service, computer access, transportation, identification, a telephone, a stable residence, or the emotional stamina to begin again after the page times out, please visit our website for further instructions.

Applicants who miss a deadline because they were hospitalized, caring for a family member, escaping violence, attending a funeral, working two jobs, or waiting on hold with our office may be found ineligible. We understand that emergencies can be inconvenient.

To protect your dignity, you may be asked to repeat your most painful circumstances to several different employees, automated systems, contracted call centers, and an online chatbot that is unable to understand the word “representative.”

Your information is important to us. Therefore, it may be misplaced, entered incorrectly, requested again, or held for review until the immediate crisis has passed and your need is no longer considered urgent.

Should you receive a denial notice, please do not be discouraged. You have the right to appeal within ten days of the date printed on the notice, which may arrive after the appeal period has expired. 

We appreciate your patience, resilience, documentation, transportation, internet access, literacy, emotional stability, and willingness to prove that you deserve to remain alive.

Thank you for choosing the Department of Inhuman Services

We see you!

Please take a number.

Sincerely,

The Office of Administrative Empathy and Compassion

Letter # 3

 "Official Voter Guidance: New Procedures for Your Protection

Issued by the Department of Electoral Convenience

"Safeguarding democracy from the dangerous possibility that too many people may participate in it."

Dear Voter,

Congratulations. You have expressed an interest in voting.

We applaud your civic spirit and are pleased to confirm that your vote remains important to us, provided, naturally, that you can satisfy a few straightforward requirements designed to preserve confidence, order, efficiency, and the general comfort of people who are not you.

Please read the following instructions carefully. Failure to comply with any portion may result in your vote being protected from being counted.

Registration

Before voting, please confirm that you are registered.

Then confirm that you are registered to confirm that you are registered.

Please ensure that your name, address, date of birth, hair color, childhood nickname, and current level of patriotism match precisely across every document you have ever encountered.

If you have married, divorced, moved, changed your name, misplaced a utility bill, or been born under a slightly different name than the one on your government identification, we encourage you to begin resolving these matters immediately. Preferably several years ago.

Identification

For your convenience, please bring a current photo identification card, proof of residence, proof that you are the same person depicted in the photograph, and a notarized statement from a responsible adult confirming that you have shown good character for at least the preceding decade.

Documents that have expired, been folded, gotten wet, or failed to inspire complete confidence may be rejected in the interest of election integrity.

Please remember: requiring you to demonstrate your identity repeatedly is not intended to inconvenience you. It is intended to reassure you that we take your identity very seriously.

Voting by Mail

If you vote by mail, please request your ballot well in advance, ideally before you are aware that an election is taking place.

Upon receiving it, complete the ballot immediately, using only the approved shade of black or blue ink, maintaining a calm hand and an attitude of appropriate gratitude.

Do not fold, crease, smudge, staple, clip, tape, decorate, breathe upon, or look at the ballot in a way that could compromise its integrity.

Return it before the deadline, while also allowing sufficient time for weather, traffic, postal delays, unexpected acts of nature, changing rules, and the possibility that the deadline may be interpreted differently by several people with legal authority.

For added confidence, voters are encouraged to hand-deliver their ballot to an officially approved, properly supervised, adequately illuminated drop box during a brief period of time that will be announced after it has ended.

Voting in Person

In-person voting remains available to all eligible citizens with sufficient determination, mobility, paperwork, free time, transportation, child care, work flexibility, physical stamina, and access to weather-appropriate clothing.

Please arrive early, but not too early. Bring water, snacks, medication, sunscreen, a hat, a portable chair, a fully charged phone, and an unshakable belief in representative government.

Should you encounter a long line, please regard it not as an obstacle but as a valuable opportunity to reflect upon the sacred privilege of waiting. Your employer may not understand why you need several hours to participate in democracy. We encourage you to explain that your vote is a cherished right, and that you are only asking to use it.

Election-Day Conduct

To ensure a peaceful and orderly process, voters are asked to remain patient, courteous, and quietly grateful throughout all procedures.

Please do not ask why the rules change so often. 

Please do not ask why a task that once took ten minutes now requires three forms, two websites, and a witness with a functioning printer.

Questions are welcome, provided they have already been answered somewhere difficult to locate.

Final Reminder

Your vote is precious.

That is why we have worked so hard to make sure you understand how much effort it should require.

Thank you for doing your part to protect democracy by proving, beyond all reasonable doubt, that you deserve to take part in it.

PS This document is satire. For real registration, identification, mail-ballot, early-voting, polling-place, and deadline information, consult your state or local election office, or begin at Vote.gov. Actual rules vary by state; official federal resources direct voters to state and local offices for those details."

Letter # 1

 Letter # 1

This idea came to me after reading my friend Janna's comment regarding her blind husband under yesterday's text.

OFFICIAL NOTICE FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF PHYSICAL OVERSIGHT

Eyeball Compliance Division

“Because no condition is permanent until it has been re-proven every ninety days.”

Dear Sir,

Our records indicate that you have been blind since birth. Before we can continue the services that allow you to live your life, however, we require updated proof that this condition has not resolved itself since our last assessment.

Please complete the enclosed forty-seven-page questionnaire, answering all questions fully and honestly. 

If you are unable to read the questionnaire, this may be relevant to your claim, although it will not excuse you from completing it.

Kindly indicate whether, during the last ninety days, you have:

- Grown a pair of surprise replacement eyes.

- Begun seeing clearly through determination, positive thinking, or improved paperwork.

- Experienced an unexpected recovery in the eyeball department.

- Considered becoming less blind in order to make our records easier to manage.

Please note that if you can make yourself a cup of tea

without help, answer a telephone, and find the bathroom in your own home, this may be taken as evidence that you no longer require assistance.

Further, if you are elderly, disabled, chronically ill, in pain, or trying very hard not to collapse under the weight of ordinary life, please remember that any appearance of coping may be used against you.

The fact that you have a caregiver, a therapist, a caseworker, medication, friends, a cane, a list, a calendar, a kettle, or a good dog may suggest that you are suspiciously close to being fine. 

If you do not return this form by the deadline, your services may be interrupted. If you do return it, we may require additional evidence, a second opinion, a fresh form, another assessment, and perhaps a signed affidavit from someone who has personally witnessed your continued lack of sight.

Please be advised that all therapy and caseworker time spent completing this paperwork will be counted as proof that you have received excellent care.

At the Department of Physical Oversight, we are dedicated to reducing anxiety, preserving dignity, and ensuring that no one receives help one day longer than absolutely necessary.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,

The Eyeball Compliance Division