"OFFICE OF PUBLIC INFORMATION HARMONY"
Updated Guidelines for Responsible Presidential Coverage
"For Security, Efficiency, and Continued Confidence in the American Public Press System"
Dear Members of the Press,
The Administration is pleased to announce updated procedures designed to strengthen the important relationship between the United States government and the journalists who have been granted the opportunity to describe it correctly.
These guidelines will ensure a safer, smoother, more respectful press environment for everyone, particularly for those whose work may otherwise create unnecessary confusion by mentioning events that occurred, statements that were made, or questions that remain unanswered.
-Credential Renewal
All White House credentials will be renewed according to the highest standards of professionalism.
Professionalism will be determined by a reporter’s demonstrated ability to avoid hostile facts, inconvenient video recordings, previously published statements, and questions that contain an unhelpful amount of memory.
Journalists who have shown a persistent interest in accuracy may be asked to undergo additional review.
-Questions
To promote orderly communication, all questions must be submitted at least thirty days before the event at which they may not be answered. Questions should be brief, respectful, patriotic, and constructed in a manner that permits a satisfactory response.
The following questions may require special authorization:
-Questions beginning with “Why.”
-Questions beginning with “How.”
-Questions containing dates, numbers, quotations, or verifiable facts.
-Questions based on previous statements by the President, members of the Administration, or anyone capable of remembering them. Follow-up questions of any kind.
Approved questions may be revised for clarity, tone, and historical compatibility.
-Pool Coverage
The White House television pool remains a valued partner in sharing official events with the American public.
To ensure broad and balanced coverage, pool participation will be reserved for networks that demonstrate an established commitment to reporting the Administration’s preferred version of events with appropriate warmth and minimal interpretation.
Cameras should remain directed toward approved speakers, approved flags, and approved applause.
Should an event contain material unsuitable for public viewing, the pool will receive a written description of what would have happened, had it been appropriate for anyone to see it.
-Security Measures
For the safety of all participants, journalists carrying notebooks, microphones, cameras, recording devices, legal knowledge, or excessive curiosity may be subject to additional screening.
Questions, observations, photographs, and visible skepticism may also be inspected before entering the premises.
These procedures are not intended to limit reporting. They are intended to ensure that reporting remains within secure and manageable limits.
-Corrections and Clarifications
Any report that differs from an official statement may contain an error.
Such reports should be corrected promptly, preferably before publication, and certainly before anyone notices.
To assist the press, the Administration will provide approved descriptions of events, approved context, approved adjectives, and, when necessary, approved memories.
The phrase “unprecedented success” is encouraged wherever contextually or spiritually appropriate.
-Legal Clarification
Journalists are encouraged to address any concerns through the appropriate channels.
Please do not sue us; we will sue you first, thereby saving everyone valuable time and preserving the orderly administration of justice.
-Access Alternatives
Journalists who are denied access may continue their important work by quoting official statements, reviewing approved social-media posts, and refraining from reading the replies.
This process will allow the public to remain fully informed without the complications created by independent observation.
FINAL REMINDER
A free press is essential to democracy.
That is why it must be handled with care.
Thank you for your cooperation, your professionalism, and your continued willingness to report responsibly.
(This document is satire. It is not an actual government directive.)
