Letter # 2

 "DEPARTMENT OF INHUMAN SERVICES"

A satirical letter

A note before you read: 

This is satire. It is not aimed at the overworked employees who often try their best to help people. It is aimed at the bureaucratic and political systems that make it so hard for people in need to receive basic help.

DEPARTMENT OF INHUMAN SERVICES

Office of Administrative Empathy and Compassion

Dear Valued Applicant,

Thank you for informing us that you are hungry, ill, elderly, disabled, unemployed, unhoused, grieving, overwhelmed, or otherwise experiencing a temporary difficulty lasting longer than we find convenient.

We are pleased to tell you that help may be available, provided that you can document your need in triplicate; locate a working printer; produce a permanent address; remain on hold during normal business hours; remember every password created since 2014; and demonstrate, to our satisfaction, that you are too desperate to survive without assistance but still organized enough to navigate our website.

Please note that our representatives are deeply committed to serving you, although they are currently unavailable due to unusually high call volume. This call volume consists largely of people attempting to reach us after being told, by another department, that we are the department responsible for helping them.

If you are unable to complete the required online application because you lack internet service, computer access, transportation, identification, a telephone, a stable residence, or the emotional stamina to begin again after the page times out, please visit our website for further instructions.

Applicants who miss a deadline because they were hospitalized, caring for a family member, escaping violence, attending a funeral, working two jobs, or waiting on hold with our office may be found ineligible. We understand that emergencies can be inconvenient.

To protect your dignity, you may be asked to repeat your most painful circumstances to several different employees, automated systems, contracted call centers, and an online chatbot that is unable to understand the word “representative.”

Your information is important to us. Therefore, it may be misplaced, entered incorrectly, requested again, or held for review until the immediate crisis has passed and your need is no longer considered urgent.

Should you receive a denial notice, please do not be discouraged. You have the right to appeal within ten days of the date printed on the notice, which may arrive after the appeal period has expired. 

We appreciate your patience, resilience, documentation, transportation, internet access, literacy, emotional stability, and willingness to prove that you deserve to remain alive.

Thank you for choosing the Department of Inhuman Services

We see you!

Please take a number.

Sincerely,

The Office of Administrative Empathy and Compassion