Part 6 of "5 Years of Solitude..." May 16, 2023

 

I've been thinking about what I'm going to write about next. Lot's of things come to mind... All part of this hermitic existence of mine. Just like everybody else, in the same position, there is more than one reason for a life of solitude. 

In my case, most of these reasons connect, in one way, or another, with my "mental state," ruled by my various disorders, and phobias. 

Fighting them, each day, is quite exhausting and, most of the time, I am glad that there's no one around, who could be affected, bothered, or un-nerved by it. There's a feeling of safety, in my house, during uncomfortable episodes. When it's like that, and both of us, Billie (my dog), 'n me, are inside, together, relaxed and peaceful. That's a good space to be... 

However, deep inside, ever-present, I feel the process of mourning going on, missing my life, missing the presence of a companionly mate. I know, both of my mates are gone, forever, and that it's close to impossible, finding another. They are very rare. 

It's ok. I've lived on my own since Earl died, almost 8 years ago. I know how to do it. Which is good. It's a part of freedom, that has always been on my mind, some years before I turned eleven, and really started running. Realizing at the same time, that freedom's price, more often, than not, is solitude.

Three years ago, as a result of Covid 19, and its "side-effects," such as strict self-quarantine for over a year, I started developing agoraphobia (fear of going outside), then, and it has increased to where I'm at now, which is where I never wanted to be. I don't wish that on anybody. 

My saving grace lies in the fact that, in the absence of amity, I am able, despite all the difficulties, to be decent company, to myself, at least... This allows me to move forward, even when my pain, and all the other stuff, are forcing me to hold still, i keep striving to, one day, make my last big move. The one I'm dreaming of. Yeah!

PS: Regarding that dream I mention at the end. It has occurred to me, a few times, lately, that the dream does not necessarily has to come true. Its presence and, how it makes me move forward, and toward it, in whatever way I can, that's already more than before.