Year's End 2022

 

and here it is, the last day of our year.

may, at least, tomorrow morning

be a sweet one, no matter how cold.

i send out my hope,

as far as the coming sunrise.

that's enough, going into unknown territory...

C.W.

12/31/2022

'tis but a trick of the light...

'tis but a trick of the light... 

while my eyes fade,

ever so gently.

and while golden days

don't feel like they're plenty,

thus letting us know

that yes, indeed, my bro,

there's an end to this, 

our little, old parade. 

so, until it is gone,

from my washed-out sight.

i still want to belong,

and live in the light.

it's better for all

if i keep things bright,

while all around me,

slowly, falls a perfect night.

which is 'never' and 'ever'

to be repeated...

(ends on 5 notes)

Corinne Wesley

October 8

2023

Can I Do That? (Write about my Agoraphobia) Let's see...

 

Can I Really Do That?

tomorrow morning, it'll be nine long days.

nine days, again, since i left my house.

i've been wanting to leave, so much,

on every one of those days.

but they were 'agoraphobia days.'

and, during these endless days, 

nobody, and nothing, goes anywhere.

although, each day, i wake up in the hope,

that today will be one of those days, 

where i'll be free. free to, finally, 

go where i wish to go,

and do what i have to do.

after all, i must take care of myself, right?

so i've lived with this for years now. 

never knowing what the next day brings,

if anything at all, including what i need,

on any given day, in order to survive.

can i be blamed if i curse that day, 

the one when my self-quarantine started.

because it was the last day,

where i woke up fearless,

 and with trust in my heart.

will there ever be another day like that?

and, lastly, will just one of you, 

ever, on any given day, 

come to see me, and tell me that,

 today, you do understand, 

 even if only a little and, that it's ok? 

and, that this will be a day, 

where i won't have to 

feel so left out...

Corinne Wesley, August 25. 2023

alone among others

 Alone Among Others 

behind me looking east

i see the mountains

 a busy river

running at their feet

and the high trees   

wherever my gaze 

happens to fall 

then there's birdsong

without which

i could not live

plus all the dogs from

 our neighborhood

they regularly come to visit

just one or two

or three or four

the time with them

is always filled with joy

the way it was

so long ago

when real living 

was part of life

with lovable people

all around me...

(alas, there's hardly any left of those,

in this my beautiful, but oh so sad

and tragic world.)

Corinne Wesley

8.19.2023

Translation of a German poem I wrote this summer.

image "Ego Eco" by  Bồ Đề Hiếu Ân

 

JUST A COMMENT ON AUGUST 1. IN 2023

this whole "donald," and GOP thing, is completely insane but, it's the "here and now." we are in a rather important moment of political history. next year's elections will be, either "the end," or some kind of "beginning," when THAT special day comes along. whatever could be defined as "middle ground, or "common sense," has all been "Go(e)bbeld" up, whenever we had a GOP President, over the last few decades. the occasional DEM Presidents were handed a mess so large, that no President, from whatever party, even through 8 years, could just FIX. but it was always our fault. we are, politically spoken, right at the edge of the proverbial cliff. as an immigrant, i fought to be able to live here. after many years, i became an American. sadly, what i see around me, is not the America i wanted to live in, when i came here. if the worst scenario should manifest itself, next year, you know the day, i fear that it will drive me away. apart from my vote, i cannot fight "the donald's troupes." if other people in this country manage to bring the monster back again, i could not bear it, or ignore it, much less join it. i live with growing concern. it's like having to fight an "invisible giant," of whom we don't know its size, or its capacity. we won't know until the day it counts. in the meantime, in my mind, i am aware that a percentage of the people who can, potentially, bring him back, are all around me. at the supermarket, etc. i don't know who they are. they don't know me. mind you, i probably do know some of them and say "Hi" to them down in the village. all i do know is, they can destroy what little good is left in this country, after Covid and one trump presidency, if there's enough of them. and they won't give anybody else, anyone who hasn't drunk the cool-aid, a second thought. NOW, that thought is sorta scary to me. i am a sensitive soul, although, in today's world, that's a "NoNo". over the last 3 years, i have started to avoid people, and places where they crowd together, more and more. used to be an open, friendly, social person. had to stop that, due to repeat experiences. there's only me to protect myself. so, all of this is very serious stuff, which can destroy us, directly and, generally, spoken. am i being too paranoid here!? cauz' i dunno anymore... somebody say something, please.

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Silence is Agreement

2023

😶

SILENCE IS AGREEMENT 

it may well be the case

that our little inner voice

when we're alone

somewhere and unheard

will admit to

our secret doubts

about the world's cruel wars

but what good

does that do

when all around us

the children are slaughtered

and the books 

are already

burning again?

Corinne Wesley, December 26. 2023

wer schweigt, stimmt zu

 

WER SCHWEIGT, STIMMT ZU

es mag sein

dass diese kleine

leise innere stimme

tief im stillen dunklen

ungehoert von anderen

deine zweifel an dingen 

zur sprache bringt

die vorher unumstoßbar waren

 nie zur debatte standen 

weil's eben schon immer so war

-

doch was nützen 

diese tonlosen zweifel 

wenn um uns herum

heute in dieser welt 

 fast alles am arsch ist 

und die besten bücher 

schon wieder

am brennen sind ?

(und nicht nur die bücher stehen in flammen...   :| )

Corinne Wesley August 1. 2023

 

The Beautiful (and brutal) Month of May

All over the skies, outside my window, I see the battles going on, more and more of them. It’s when “eat or be eaten” comes right in your face. And that “bird action” out there, is about life or death. Ravens against eagles, ravens and crows against magpies, magpies against whomever they go after (they can’t help themselves, remember? Just like the cuckoo, etc. They’re wired that way by nature herself!).

Plus, everyone alive ‘n little, clawed or on foot, has to be worried about the resident Redtail hawk, his wife, and his two children, every year. They rule this part of the edge of the San Luis Valley, where I live. I’ve mentioned them before.

Anyway, I have a hard time, each spring in particular, because there is this duplicity, in what I see going on. First, we have the beauty of courtship dances, fancy-colored feathers beating in the air. Followed by: “yeah! Let’s build a nest, together!”

That’s the fun part. Now, it’s all: “Let’s get their eggs! Let’s get their babies! Let’s get THEM!”   🙁

There was over 30 continuous minutes of serious fighting, between the raven family (5 members present) and a magpie couple. They all know each other because they do this each May. They live very close to each other and, once the “breeding and growing up some,” parts are over, they all go back to living as neighbors in the same three (or 4?) huge Elms, on the piece of land right across my south fence. For the rest of the year, I don’t see them trying to go at each other much. Because it is known by all, in my surroundings, that “Harry Redtail Hawk Bird” is the man!  😉

Another horrible thing our forest babies have to deal with and die of, horribly, are the repeated fires, bigger and deadlier each year. I see burning nests, in my mind, with babies, not yet able to fly… like all those people in burning skyscrapers, who couldn’t fly either. And most of those bad fires I can remember, around here, they started in May…

In my (weird) mind, the fact that the miracle of new, perfectly crafted (by “Madame Nature”), sweet, innocent life, within a couple of weeks, finds itself blindly thrown into bloody “mayhem and murder,” has been disturbing me a lot, ever since the age of 5-6, when I was first introduced to how nature is, by my grandfather. I loved nature, in all its forms and materials, but I don’t like the killing. Not then, not now and not at all! The great enigma of my life (since the age of 6), has been the question: “Why was I equipped with what’s necessary, in my brain (mind), to be bothered to no end by this situation? If by nature, everything is as it should be, why am I even ABLE to question it?!” That’s my dilemma. I can’t help it. My heart tells me that it could be so much more peaceful if we “All” could stop killing each other. No more pigs, terrified of what they know is coming, being literally “scared to death.”

For Ham’s sake…!?

I could go on but won’t.

It “could” be an amazingly different world. I’m sure of that. Just look at some of the “Great Vegetarians” of all times. The Brontosaurus, for example, the Buffalo, or the powerful Gorilla, gentle unless provoked, sharing 98% of our DNA, Whales and many more.  😊

So, if this is how it, absolutely and till the end of time, has to be for it to function, then why was I equipped to grasp it as a concept, understand it, yet feel compelled to live at odds with it, since about 60 years?? Just sayin’ …

PS: In a world where most fish don't have wings, and birds don't breathe underwater for hours, what's the point of giving me a tool that I’m not supposed to use?

 "Cauz'” things r supposed 2 go on the way they r?!!?

Tradition, 'n all dat...!?) 

😕

The End

FYI:

The photograph came to me via Alex Ngabirano in Uganda, Protector of Gorillas, and People, and their Children.

Depicted is the late 'Kanyoni', who died in battle. I weep for him. I consider him a great loss...

Yet, I'm thrilled to see his noble face, and it makes me wonder whether he just wasn't enough of a "Killer," for this cruel world?

Seeing as that's still requirement number one.

It fills me with sadness... ❤

Corinne Wesley   5/21/2023

Alleine Unter Leuten

hinter mir im osten sind berge. 

und an ihrem fuss entlang,

da fliesst ein fluss.

die hohen baeume seh ich, 

egal wohin mein blick sich richtet.

und der vogelsang, ja der,

ohne den kann ich nicht leben.

dann sind da noch die hunde,

aus meiner nachbarschaft.

sie kommen regelmaessig zu besuch. 

allein, zu zweit, zu dritt, zu viert.

es ist mir immer eine grosse freude.

ganz so, wie "frueher," 

als ich noch richtig leben durfte,

unter den "liebenswerten menschen."

davon sind aber, leider,

kaum noch welche uebrig.

hier, jetzt, in meiner schoenen

und doch so traurigen welt...

Corinne Wesley, Juli 30. 2023

Die Alltaeglich Wahrheit

die alltaegliche wahrheit

... die, die sich staendig aendert.

die keiner komplett kennen kann,

auch wenn sie sich so sicher sind.

sie ist wie ein geschliffenes juwel,

mit viel zuviel facetten,

fuer uns're kleinen menschenaugen,

die nie auf alles schauen wollen...

Corinne Wesley Juli 28. 2023

Art by Escher

Draussen

Draussen

Draussen, vor meinem Fenster,

da steht ein alter Maulbeerbaum.

Und in ihm drin da wimmelt es, 

fast wie in einem Traum,

von allerlei Voegeln, mit farbigen Federn, 

und Schnaebeln von individueller Form.

Da sind sie, die aus voller Kehle, 

mich beschenken, mit ihrem Gesang.

Sie zwitschern, sie flattern,

sie lassen sich fallen, und huepfen

ganz eifrig von Ast zu Ast,

und in diesem aufregenden Moment,

in dem ich sie alle so sehen kann,

da draussen, vor dem Fenster,

da bin ich verloren in ihrem Bann,

und fuehle mich ganz ausgezeichnet.

( Ich schreib was immer ich will, in dem Moment, reimen tut sich's selten. Macht aber nix!)  

Corinne Wesley, Juli 28. 2023

Part 5 of "5 Years of Solitude"

 

Part 5 of “5 Years of Solitude”

May 14, 2023. (a Sunday and, not an easy day)

Writing about the “solitary lifestyle,” can be rather tricky. It gets personal and it’s complex.

Seeing as it has an upside section, and a downside section.

Both sides contain their worthwhile points. Having not made the effort of creating a list, to show which side is winning, I can’t say for sure but, there often seem to be more points on the upside of solitude. Finding one’s “peace of mind” seems easier alone, that being a big one, for example. At least for me.

So, why do I live alone? Well, mainly because it’s very hard to live along, or among, other, “normal,” people, when suffering from a bunch of “disorderly conditions,” completely involuntarily!

Living on my own, prevents me from having to, constantly, “apologize,” “explain myself,” and live with “judgements” people come up with, lacking true understanding of what’s going on inside of “me.”

Living without all of this saves lots of energy. I don’t have much these days.

Also, I do enjoy the quiet. Especially on bad days. That’ll never change. It’s alright.

Accepting this has not been easy at all. Of course, one tries to deny it until the last moment.

Nevertheless, I am getting closer to what is called: “… embracing it.” What a relief. A burden to be unshouldered, one bit at a time. For me, it’s a slow and long process. I go through what I call my “phases,” each day. Often there are several things happening at the same time, which can be, is, tough.

So, a while ago, I found a way to escape and move to another “space.” I listen to audio books. Listening to a good story, read by the right person, takes me away, into the book. Away to the place, in England, for example, or Sweden, or wherever the story plays. I can see it in my mind. Leave the pain and trouble behind. Me. Alone.

One can’t just stop working on evolving, and advancing, despite a situation filled with “stuff “to trip you up.

LOL!

Finally, being the only one here, I think up stuff to make myself laugh, to feel intense joy, in little moments that pass by. I write. I watch the abundance of life around me. There’s plenty of critters of all kinds, and trees with new leaves, with busy, busy birds. My “jardinito” is taking shape and soon, there’ll be flowers. Like, Hollyhocks!

Aye! It’ll be grand!

(I shall take pictures of them, so I’m not the only one to see them. “Solitude” can be gotten around, here 'n there. Yay!)

Corinne Wesley

love 'n freedom

LOVE 'n FREEDOM (edited)

i'm here and i am cornered,

by a mountain full of things.

"free" to exist, and to survive,

yet not allowed to live, oh no.

that's not within my reach.

once more, i am a prisoner.

just as i was, so long ago.

when only two things counted.

the same ones that i always craved,

but never got for long.

they're "love" 'n "freedom,"

and in that order.

they made me run, and run,

and run, trying to find them.

was just eleven, when it had begun.

and after fifty-four long years,

what have i found?

it seems to me that, "love,"

in our present, dark, and cruel era,

has shown itself to be a lie,

a tool, a con, too many times.

today, i'd say, "love" is a term,

in countless mouths,

yet not much practiced.

and what of "freedom?"

which, also, in a certain way,

can cost you everything,

plus, all you ever thought it was.

could it be true, indeed?

that everything just: "... ain't worth shit?'

so tell me, please, what say you?

about that thing, called "real love?"

since all the words i can encounter,

are that i'll recognize it,

each time i get to feel it,

whenever that may be... ✌

Corinne Wesley

June 9, 2023

Kommentar im Nachhinein

 2. juni, 2023

kommentar im nachhinein:

kein sehr guter tag zum dichten... grau, kalt, deprimierend, und durch noch andere, unbestellte (!), zustaende, die das leben mehr und mehr bestimmen, momentan, in den letzten paar tagen, und wochen, usw., und die einen ganz schoen plagen koennen. du weisst schon. 

trotz alldem, schaffe ich mir immer wieder kleine, glueckliche, momente, an denen ich mich erfreuen kann, auch wenn sie nur ganz kurz sind. sie retten mich tagsueber, wenn das innere elend die zuegel in die haende bekommt, und nicht mehr loslassen will. 

gerade eben brach die sonne durch die dunkelgrauen, tiefhaengenden, wolken, und sie erleuchtete die grossen, gruenen, blaetter einer pflanze auf dem fensterbrett. jetzt ist sie schon wieder weg, die sonne. das waere ein gutes beispiel eines kleinen gluecklichen, moments. 

(wirklich nur ein kleiner kommentar...)

freefall

 

FREEFALL

lost, found, 'n lost again.

out here in space,

free-falling i am.

mind you, how come

 is there no such thing 

as "free-rising?"

and for us "free-fallen,"

there's only one place

that can remain.

it's outside, looking in.

because you can't free-fall

inside in the box...

C.W.  6.2.2023

ALT WERDEN

 

ALT WERDEN

wie verrueckt wir uns machen

um all diese sachen 

die am ende eh

keiner mitnehemen kann

und binnen jeder grenze

da tanzen wir dann

die erzwungenen taenze

und bei mind'rer leistung

da folgt die verbannung

und man landet genau

wie jeder andere "jemand"

auf einem grossen haufen dung

und hier in mir drinnen

wie auch um mich herum

da faellt alles andre 

ganz still und langsam 

auf den unergruendlichen grund

Corinne Wesley

May 31, 2023